december 17: feasting and fasting

i made a strange decision this past weekend, and it's been on my back for the past few days. like a monkey.

i haven't had any real appetite to speak of, no real hunger. i'm not hungry. and the foods i'm supposed to eat, the food i truly want to eat, i have no desire to eat. but instead of just going with that and choosing not to eat, i ate the only things that had any superficial appeal - cooked food. and superficial appeal is all it has to me. when i start to let myself eat cooked, something happens in my brain, and i just go on overload. it doesn't matter if i truly want it or not, or if i have any real hunger; i just eat it and keep eating it, waiting for it to feel like food, which it doesn't.

so i decided last night that now is the appropriate time to fast. i'm going to do a 3-day master cleanse (we call it "cactus cleanse" here, because we use agave nectar) and just chill out on the whole eating thing. i need to do it, because my cravings for cooked food are getting out of control, and i'm making decisions that are dangerously close to choosing things i REALLY don't want, true junk food. so far i've been ok at sticking with things that other people would consider good food, but i know better.