Friday, October 31, 2008

october 31: happy halloween!

this is gonna be a long one. i've got a lot to say today!!!

first of all - halloween is so weird to me. dress your kids up in costumes and have them go round the neighborhood begging for poison? from the outsiders perspective, it sure is weird. no kids, no candy.

so today marked a very important milestone in my RawFu Challenge!!! today was the first day in my entire challenge, over 100 days so far, that i actually ate my entire 2 full bunches of greens!!!! i'm so proud of me! victoria boutenko would be so proud of me!!! i made a deeee-lish smoothie this morning with banana, tangerine juice, and spinach. a WHOLE bunch of spinach! the whole thing! and i drank it all! it was fabulous. and then on my way home, i was listening to my hunger, and my body was very clearly demanding a whole head of romaine lettuce. so that's what i had for dinner. i dressed it with lemon juice and bragg's (ok, the bragg's is so very not on the list, and it was actually very disappointing. i'm ready to let it go for good. the lettuce was better without it.) and i ate the whole thing in one sitting, ravenous, as though i hadn't eaten all day. like it was the best thing ever. it was really good!!

i ate really good today, overall. my big smoothie - 7 cups of it! - 1 coconut water, another 1/2 gallon of tangerine juice, several dates, a few pieces of fruit from a bouquet, and then my great big head of lettuce just now. i think that's a smashing day on 811!

this morning when i woke up, i so very much wanted to write a love letter out there to all the people who are finding mainstream raw food eating to be letting them down after they've gone through their big transition from a fully SAD diet. that's what would always happen with me. mainstream raw never worked well enough in the long run. i needed 811. and it's amazing what just a couple of days of eating 100% 811 have done for me! my energy is better, i look better, my outlook is better, i feel better - all in just 2 days. my weight is back down, and all i want is fruit. granted, i'm tired now. it's been a really long and very intense week.

so my new flip camera and my old mac laptop have decided they hate each other, so i'm not sure what i'm going to do about vlogging now. i love doing it, despite my fascination with how asymmetrical my face is. why has no one ever told me? it's so freakish! so no vlog for now. just me and my thoughts like this.

9.30 at night, on a friday, and i am just desperate to go to sleep! i may take 15 minutes of shut-eye just to ease my nerves, and then get up and be more productive.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

october 30: yesterday's video

blogger doesn't accept content from youtube! raw fu, a ning network, uploads them a billion times faster if they are from youtube! so what has to be done? double work, in order to put them here on the blog. but i'm doing it, because part of the goal is to be thorough. (that's "THUH-RAH," as we say in texas.)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

october 29: end of day catch up

today was almost perfect, in terms of eating. right up until the end, when i was annoyed, and cranky, and my mangos weren't ripe, nor my bananas, nor anything else, and i had just the wee tiniest bit of tahini dressing left in the fridge. so i ate it. and now tomorrow it will be gone, if i come home annoyed after my day tomorrow.

and if i'm annoyed, i'll just have to deal with it, right? nothing more i can do.

and i was able to get some pretty important things checked off on my list of things to do today. the list is getting shorter. more manageable, to a degree. it needs to be getting longer, because i need to be writing up my project list. but first, i'm trying to just manage the one big project i have to hand.

and right now, i am TIRED. i'm uploading a video - PROGRESS! and will have that to show later, so now i need to multi-task and take care of eradicating the evidence of my day from my home. the temptation to just fall asleep is huge, but i'm not gonna do it. i'm going to stay awake until i've acheived my daily goals.

will let you know tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

naming the recommitment

so this month of october has been an experiment in being high raw,"high 811." and, well, it's pretty much sucked ass. i don't like it, as much as i "enjoy" it. so, starting tomorrow, 10/29/08, i'm committing to 30 days no overts, 100% raw, 100% 811. it starts tomorrow. no matter what. i've got my blog, my vlog and my support group to keep it real, and i'm going to make it happen. the next 30 days are going to be HELLACIOUS anyway, so why not give myself all the fuel and power and energy and top of the world dynamism i can get? i'm taking it all the way. no more fucking around, pardon my french.

ooh la la!

october 28: small victories lead to great success

i'm so happy to report that not only are the dishes done now, but i have kept the dishes done for 24 hours!!! this is pretty significant in my world. and not only that, but i just finished putting the laundry away. to me, this is really big, really important. when i started putting it up, i let myself think that i needed new clothes, because i didn't seem to have enough of this or that. by the time it was all packed into my full closet, i could see that i have plenty. perhaps it's not as fresh and fashionable as i would ideally like, but i don't need anything. i'm fully stocked. ok, i could use a few pairs of warm socks. other than that, i think i'm good. i can't justify spending any money on clothes at the moment. what i have is plenty good enough. and it's nice to have it all put away.

so little by little, i'm tackling the big projects at home. i'm still very behind at work. this has got to change. maybe now that the home front is improving, i won't feel that pull between going to work or staying at home. i just have to keep on plugging away at it.

i owe bunny berry credit for my title this morning. she said that the other day when celebrating dropping 2 pant sizes (yay bunny!), and i'm saying it now that my laundry is put away and my dishes are done. time now to take a shower and get dressed, put on some makeup, gather up some food, and head off to work. alas, at work i have to teach and practice all together in a blur, so i won't be productive there today at all, but perhaps tomorrow. definitely tomorrow.

Monday, October 27, 2008

i got the dishes done!!!

this might not seem like a big deal to anybody, but it's a HUGE one to me. the dishes have been the cloud of gloom hanging over me for weeks, like i can never get to them, never get caught up, and never get on to anything else. i've avoided them like the plague, just in overwhelm, and now the dishes are done, and i feel so much better about my life in general. it's amazing how little it truly takes.

october 27: monday morning

starting my day out with the conviction and commitment to go on as a i begin, to begin as i intend to go on. i've got too much to do, again, and yet i'm feeling strong and connected to my intentions and plan on feeling amazing at the end of the day when i've been outrageously productive. that's what this monday means to me!! it matters not that i "overslept" according to the clock, when i woke up when my body was ready. i'm on my way to a fantastic day. i'm psyching myself up here! it's gonna be a great one!!! woo-hoo!!!

no room for whiners.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

october 26: woe is me. what am i doing?

if i don't eat enough during the day, if i don't have my fresh fruit, if i don't make time in my schedule, then i am SCREWED by dinner time. that's all there is to it. if i haven't had my optimal calories by dinner time, and i'm hungry when i get in the car, then i'm going to be pigging out on fats, and lately, on salty fats.

i hate it.

i want to get back on track. i want to get back on clean, fresh, easy mono-meals and lots of fruit during the day. i'm sick of not doing it straight up 80-10-10. honestly, i hate it.

i don't even want to fess up to my dinner. but here goes. i had a cabbage salad from whole foods. oil and cashews. with cucumbers, shredded, and half an avocado. and tahini dressing. in nori sheets.

but wait. that's not all.

i also got olives stuffed with sun-dried tomatoes. this is not good. these are trigger foods.

what has happened to my "eat 3 bananas and chase the cravings away" routine??? i NEED THAT!!!!!!! I MISS IT!!!!! ugh.

someone, please help me! help me obi-raw, you're my only hope! i've gotten the taste of salty-fatty back in my body and it's disgusting and addictive. i hate it.

october 26: weird, weird, weird dreams

i had a really productive day yesterday. actually started my list, which is essential to my success, and i skipped the ballet in order to do laundry - i had so much that i wasn't able to finish it and i'm starting my final load this morning.

fell asleep on wayne's couch, and had this bizarre dream that i was married to david wolfe. and that he was a porn star. and that he started having an affair with one of my friends. and killed another one of my friends. and that he killed his father. and was trying to take over the world with a combination of sex and superfoods. it was a really long dream, one of those you can't get out of even when you turn over or wake up and start over. it just kept going!

i had bizarre dreams yesterday too, though not as bizarre. both nights before i had bragg's and tahini dressing on a cabbage salad in nori handrolls. was it the bragg's? the tahini? the nori? the cabbage? the combination? i'm going to do an all-fresh, all-raw, no overts day today and see how i dream tonight. hurrah!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

October 25: Finding my voice again

apologies to everyone who has read my blog up to september 10 and then i fell off the blogoshpere! i also haven't been journalling, which is lifeblood to me. i haven't done a vlog, because i haven't gotten around to having decent hair and makeup lately. in other words - busy, busy busy, and then i'm just tired and want to vanish in a book and fall asleep.

so here i am, 9am saturday morning, i just woke up, which is unusual for me to sleep this late, but it's been a hectic week. and now i have to make the decision of what to do next. my day off, and all i can feel is the pressure of all the different things that need me. my house needs me - it's a wreck and needs a deep clean. my food needs me - i've got 2 perfect mangos waiting to be slurped. the sunshine of the morning needs me - i haven't taken a walk in a really long time. my job needs me - i've got a massive project that i haven't been able to get around to all week, despite logging wicked hours. my yoga needs me - when do i take class today? my car needs me - it needs to be cleaned, AND i need to run errands. what's more, i have a reflexology appointment at 12.30, which is great, but once i'm out of the house, my productivity is kinda ruined. tonight there's a party at my front-door neighbors', but i have to work in the morning so i;m house sitting for wayne who has run away for the weekend, and i also have tickets to the ballet, given to me by teresa and very upper-echelon, parking, good seats, etc. all very cool. and yet words cannot describe the piles of laundry or the mounds of dishes, or the vastness of the amount of design work i have to do, or the desperation i feel about wallowing in the gorgeousness of the october day and having a lazy saturday all to myself.

and so, in this mode, i turn back to my blog, essentially turning back to my favorite tool of writing in a journal to make sense of my options. when there's too much to do, meditate. do nothing. do nothing until the urge arises to do the right thing.

as the weather and my life have changed, 80-10-10 has become more challenging than it was in the summer. i've had a few weeks where i did not have the ripe fruit i needed to get me through the day without cravings, and i allowed myself, in frustration, to give in to some cravings - first for gourmet raw, and then for cooked sauces/salad dressings. i'm paying the price. in the summer, my un-air conditioned little house would ripen fruit in a heartbeat; it was easy to always have a ready supply of bananas, mangos, and the watermelon was divine. gradually, the watermelon became less and less divine - mealy and stringy - and losing that staple was a tough blow. now that its cool (i won't insult anybody's intelligence by calling austin october "cold," tho we austinites like to call it that!), watermelon has no appeal anymore, and i'm searching for the right replacement. all i want are mangos, and i had a mango orgy with those enormous keitt mangos from mexico - huge! the size of my head! can't wait till they're back in season, next september/october. but they took a long time to ripen, so while they were out, i kind of stopped eating fruit all day. i decided i was sick of bananas, which was a big mistake. i have to eat bananas even if it seems like the stupidest thing in the world to do. bananas are my easiest staple. i tried eating apples, but not enough sugar or calories, too much fiber, too much gas, too much chewing. i can really only eat apples as a snack, with dates, to make a caramel apple or applesauce. i have discovered i adore persimmons, but like mangos, they take forever to ripen, and they seem to be in cahoots with each other, only to ripen one at a time, so i get one persimmon a day.

long story long - i've been struggling to coordinate my soft, sweet, ripe, juicy fruits to be ripe in such a way that i have a constant supply of food. and as a result, i have allowed myself to give in to cravings. and as a result of that, i don't like the way i look, i don't like the way i feel, i've put on about 4 pounds of bloat from salt and oil, and i don't have that glow i had back in the summer when i satrted this lifestyle, and i miss that. i'm trying to climb back up on the wagon, and it's been very difficult. it's easy to stay on the wagon - eating this food is easy and it works, it makes you feel amazing, but now i'm learning the lesson of seasonal transition. it's hard right now. even bananas don't ripen very quickly when the house is cooler than 78. i think i learned my lesson and this week i shopped for next week. i have a table full of mangos and persimmons, and a great big papaya - a great go-to fruit, usually already ripe and ready, and one that i just have to get into my repetoire. papaya could save my life for awhile. in a couple of days, i'll go buy more mangos and persimmons and bananas, and just keep the rotation going.

the sauce, though. i'm back on the sauce. salad dressing and sauces. they seem so innocuous. and it's only a little bit, just a little flavoring, just a little fat. and then i'm pouring gallons of it on my plate. i've got to get off the sauce. i've got to resign myself to a squeeze of lemon when i have a salad. it's the only "cooked" or "raw gourmet" that's calling me with a voice loud enough that i can hear. and with a voice i can't resist. even though a lot of sauces have sugar, and sub-par oils, and way, way way too much salt - my goodness, those are my addictions, and they've presented themselves to me as a tasty topping for my otherwise 100% raw meal. and i fell for it. i've been babboozled. damn it. and the results speak for themselves: gained bloat, lower energy, and i've got zits on my face in a couple of spots. so there you go.

time to re-read the book and get re-inspired and get off the sauce and back on 100% 80-10-10. i'd like to do no overt fats; i tried at the beginning of october, but the lack of ripe fruit combined with having weekends with my guy (oh yeah, that's still going really strong! he's awesome. for a carnivore! lol.), in which we go out more, so i'm tempted by salad dressings more, because no place has fruit for dinner. it's also interesting to move from never being exposed to cooked crap to being exposed - it's still tempting. out of sight, out of mind, but when you see it, there's a combined nostalgia and longing and aversion which is the hallmark of the addictive response. you know it's crap, but you remember the good times you had together... cooked food is SO my ex-boyfriend! we went into a "normal" grocery store the other day, a tom thumb in dallas, to get his food, and just walking through the door made me want crazy crap, like fritos and poptarts and little debbie snack cakes. the produce is under this ghastly sickly dull light, and it all looks like it's will to live has been sucked out of it, and the rest of the store is bright florescent hideousness. it's AWFUL. no wonder people struggle to eat healthy, when you see what the options are of places to buy food. the truly healthy food just doesn't stand a chance.

so that's where i've been. i'll be here more. i'll keep posting. it helps me a lot to be accountable. it helps me to talk and write. keep checking in. i'm back.