Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Eat Fruit, Be Happy!

I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I posted on this blog - ridiculous and outrageous things have been happening. It's been wonderful, actually, but is calling for a change - a change in identity, a change in blogging, a change for the better, a change for the best.

The purpose of this post today is to let my blog followers know that as of midnight on July 1, 2009, this blog will be no more. I will export and archive the posts (in case there were any so thrilling that you want to see them again!) and delete the blog! This is an exciting step for me, because the other purpose of this post is to direct you to my new blog:


I'm very excited about this and all of my new endeavors, and I hope to see you there!!

With love,


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

100% 811 Day 6

I've been off-blog for awhile, but not really off-program. Well, sort of off-program. I slacked off during the "recovery week" 2 weeks ago, and then struggled to get back in the groove last week, and this week, I'm off to a rockin' good start, except that I'm too tired tonight to do my Plyometrics. That workout is so friggin hard!!! And I've got swing dance class tonight, and I ran this morning and took a super-mega-long walk in the park after spending an hour at the pool in the sunshine! So I'm all happy and sunshiney, but I'm also pretty tired and want to save something for dance class.

The big thing right now is that I'm back to 100%. Something clicked. We were having a great chat on RawFu about addiction, and I recognized (again) how addicted I am to certain cooked foods, and how it doesn't take much, just one bite, and I'm hooked. My behavior with those foods is dangerous - I hide it, I sneak it in the house, I'll steal from my BF's stash if he's got something I'll eat, I binge on it, I throw it away and retrieve it from the garbage, I'll go out of my way to go get some if I don't have any in the house, I'll even go to different stores so no one selling it to me thinks I'm going to eat all of that at once! This is not normal, healthy behavior. This is a junkie getting a fix! And I realized, being full of crap and disgusted with myself is NOT the way I want to live my life!! what's more, I realized I was at a turning point: I could quit raw - give up the illusion that I am a raw foodist, let go of all my knowledge, stop trying and go back to a SAD vegan diet - or I could quit cooked, once and for all. Here's the picture each option painted:

I give up eating raw. Not that I give up eating fresh fruits and veg, I just give up the illusion that those foods make up a significant portion of my diet. Instead, I eat whatever vegan foods I want, which includes a lot of chips and bread and soy products. Eventually, over time, perhaps I even get sloppy with the vegan part and start eating dairy and eggs again and go to being a lacto-ovo vegetarian. I gain about 20 pounds, maybe more. I don't really have the energy to exercise, but I do, because I'm constantly trying to lose weight, but it doesn't budge. I look terrible, and the ageing that I've been so successfully avoiding, catches up. I don't have the energy to go out and adventure, and I don't have any sexual energy either, plus I hate the way my body looks and feels. This has a negative impact on my relationship, so I lose that too. My life is in a tailspin, I'm incredibly unhappy.

I give up eating cooked. Wow! All of a sudden, I have boundless energy that has been released from somewhere deep within. I lose those pesky last 10 pounds and keep it off. I exercise not just every day, but all the time. Sleep like a baby. Love my body, feel like the sexiest thing on the planet, and my BF appreciates this! Even more, he appreciates how happy and full of life I am, and how ready I am for any adventure he dreams up. He loves his little fruit bat! What's more, my life is so full of integrity. Top to bottom, nothing is out of alignment, because I am so clear about my direction and my inner authority.

Gee - between the 2 options, it wasn't a hard determination. And the first one is not much of an exaggeration. It's just a mild extrapolation from where my life is when I'm eating mid-raw.

So - April 15, 2009 was the last time I ate cooked food. I'm not changing the date.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

P90X Challenge Day 17

2 weeks under my belt, and yet my belt remains unchanged. what gives? I'm ready to see some results, and I haven't seen any yet.

That's not true. I'm a lot stronger already. I just completed my 3rd session of the arms and shoulders video, and the first week I used the 3 pound weights, the 2nd week the 5 pounds, and today I used the 8's. that's some rapid progress! I'm also getting much greater depth in my pushups, and I've started doing the ab ripper this week like a good girl. so, I am seeing results, just not in the mirror or in my jeans.

It's getting easier, and so therefore it's getting harder. I'm increasing my strength and range of motion, so I'm able to start to get into the intensity of the program. up to this point, I've done what I could and then waited until it was time to do the next thing, and now I'm working the whole time. If only I could finish a Plyo!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

P90X Challenge - Day 7

I've made it through a whole week of doing the P90X! I'm not quite done yet - I've still got my KenpoX video to do today, but other than that I've done all the workouts and I've actually survived. Barely. I swear, I was so sore yesterday by the end of the day. I feel a lot better today. I actually rode my bicycle this morning, and that's my next phase of my challenge. In addition to all this yoga and exercise, to ride my bicycle around the neighborhood instead of the car or the scooter. That means that soon, very soon, I am going to brave the big hard world out there and ride my bike up to Whole Foods to go grocery shopping.

I've wanted to do that for the 2 years I've lived here, but there have been 2 things stopping me: once you cross the pedestrian bridge over the river, you've got 2 big obstacles when you're a scaredey-cat girl like me, and that's the traffic on Lamar and the HILL you have to climb. In traffic. There is a sidewalk, but it's not a wide one, and that makes me nervous, too. So I'm going to have to walk my bike up the hill, which increases the overall walking time of the trip, but I suppose in time it will get easier. I'd love to be at least a little more like DurianRider and say "this is my car" and point to my bicycle with a trailer hitched on back. In time, in time.

I had some weird cheats yesterday, speaking of DurianRider. He'd never cheat. I wonder what his transition process was like? He seems like the kind of extremist who can go 100% no problems. And I'm not saying "he's an extremist" in a negative way, I totally admire the dude, I think he's incredible - he just seems to have that hard-core personality type that doesn't need socialization and external affirmation and comforts, and who can look at his emotional struggles and just say, "eff it, I don't give a f_-_" and man, there just aren't a whole lot of people out there like that. Most of us need it a little easier, a little softer. So I'm sure that DurianRider would look at my cheats yesterday and he'd be like, "what the f_-_ did you do that for? that's not FOOD. That's garbage and not fit for human consumption!" But it did taste good. lol.

So I'm still doing tiny cheats, but not for long.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Day 6 update

I'm really tired. Like, mega, mega tired. It's the 2nd day of my cycle, which may have something to do with it. It's been an intense week. I'm choosing to make today my rest day instead of tomorrow. I thought I'd have way more energy this weekend, and I just don't. I did good to take my walk. I'd like to get to bed early and get up nice and early every day and get more early morning time in; that's more productive for me.

I allowed myself some food "cheats" today. I don't really know why, I just did, and that hasn't helped anything. I feel better when I keep it clean.

P90X Challenge Day 6

I'm wrapping up this first week of the P90X - 811 challenge, and I feel GREAT. I really do. I'm still sore, but nowhere near as incapacitated as I was the first few days. Yesterday I did a power yoga class in addition to doing the Legs and Back vid for the first time - 2 new things, both fairly leg-intense, both about an hour of fairly leg-intense work - and then attempted to walk about 2 miles to go to an outdoor concert. Ummmm... Nuh-uh. My legs turned to jelly. I felt like I was walking through water. I felt like I was riding a bicycle, without the bicycle. It was weird. I needed to go home, be boring, and not move my legs for awhile.

So what I'm doing now with my P90X challenge is that I'm doing yoga every day, not just on the yoga days or the rest days. I'm doing this for a few reasons. 1) because doing yoga is what I do, or at least it has been, and the reason I'm doing the P90X is to help improve my yoga practice. So it's like an athlete doing strength work. I want to be an athlete - a yoga athlete. 2) my muscles naturally go tight, and so by doing extra flexibility work, I'm hoping to counteract any shortening and tightening of the muscles. 3) Tony talks about "X-ing it up" in the videos, so to me, that means you keep doing the rest of your physical life! You don't just stop because of the P90X, you keep going. So if you're a runner, keep running. If you're a dancer, keep dancing. In order to be able to do the P90X anyway, you've got to already be in pretty good shape, so keep going. Keep it up.

What I'm noticing now, after the initial deep soreness and tightness is wearing off - big improvements already. I can squat deeper, lunge deeper. I'm moving more into my range of motion. I think my recovery time is speeding up - I don't feel super sore this morning at all. And I feel like my flexibility is improving.

And! Saturday morning is weigh-in time! Woo-hoo!

Last week (pre-P90X, still eating cooked): weight 120.5, bf 25.5%
3.20 (Day 6 P90x-811 Challenge): weight 117.8, bf 23.5%

2.7 pounds lost!!! bf dropped 2 whole % points!

When I was setting up my scale, I couldn't figure out what one of the little icons meant, so I just set it. Got on, weighed myself, and it came up with 14% bodyfat! holy moly! I thought my scale was defective, and then I realized that my scale thought I was a Man, baby!

Friday, March 20, 2009

P90X Challenge Day 5

Yesterday was Day 4, and it was an "off" day, sort of. The only workout I had to do was yoga, so that was just normal! And fun. I put together my own practice and did it at home. I thought I would go to a studio, but I wanted to try out what I had composed, and I liked it very much.

This morning, I am running out the door to hit a Sunstone class - I want to try their 90 minute Earth class, and this is the only only only time! rats!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

P90X Challenge Day 3

To put it mildly - I am sore. Like, OMG am I sore!

So yesterday I did the Plyometrics video, and the Plyometrics video did me! I can see how it will be fun in the end, but it's tough - lots of jumping, leaping, hopping and lunging. And it completely destroyed any ego that I might have around the ability of Bikram yoga to get someone into peak fitness. Forget about it. Bikram yoga is an excellent therapeutic and healing yoga, and if someone is far away from baseline fit, it will do wonders for them. If someone is dealing with injury, it's amazing stuff. But I cannot pretend anymore that it will do for anybody the same thing that this P90X stuff has the ability to do. I'm thankful I've been doing yoga for years - I have good flexibility, good range of motion, good cardio endurance - but ZERO upper body strength, and almost no ability to actually move my legs. I can hold my legs still, but I cannot move them.

So - today I am going to yoga - checking out Sunstone Yoga. I'm not crazy about the idea - their website is very slick and shiny, and franchise yoga is uninteresting to me. And to an outsider, it's confusing. Which is fine, outsiders don't need to be able to "get it." But it's a turn-off. I'm glad they are doing well! I'm just not convinced that this will be the yoga for me.

811 - I love it. Yesterday was such a good day. And I am HUNGRY. It's amazing. Yesterday I ate:

Green smoothie with 3 bananas and spinach (about 4 cups)
3 large mangoes
an entire large personal sized watermelon
a huge salad made with an entire head of romaine, a cucumber, 1/4 bell pepper, and a mountain of sunflower sprouts.

That might not read like much, but the watermelon blended up to just over a half-gallon of watermelon juithie. And that's a LOT. A lot of liquid. And I drank the whole thing. Waking up this morning, I'm about to go do yoga, so no food yet, but I'm hungry waking up and that's unusual for me. I normally don't want anything until 11-ish.

Today I'm going to do some research on Doug Graham's site about recovery, because I've heard claims from him that proper diet can reduce muscle recovery time down to 22 hours. I'd like to know more about that.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

P90X Challenge Day 2

Ooo-fa I am sore today! Seriously! I haven't lifted weights like that in awhile, even though I didn't go full-on hard and heavy, I did what I could and now my body is sore sore sore! Can't wait to get out on my walk in the sunshine and work it out.

I also stuck with my 80-10-10 eating yesterday! It was so much easier with a structure around it. Why would I want to jeopardize my first day of working out by not honoring it with my diet? Besides, all I wanted was my good, clean food. I had a huge amount of watermelon, followed by 2 big mangoes and 2 bananas, and then a big salad for dinner with my amazing lemon tahini dressing. I was at a party last night, working as a model/actor/interactive entertainment at a multi-media/interactive convention. Sort of. It was a weird combination of vendors and performers and visitors. Anyway. We were at an "events center" and I knew that there would be no food for me, so I made sure to pack my own. My friends were jealous that I had good food and they had lousy event center options.

On schedule today is: Plyometrics! Watermelon! Mangoes! Sunshine!

Monday, March 16, 2009


I'm so happy. After what feels like weeks and weeks (in all, about 10 days or so) of gloomy, cloudy weather, today the sun is UP. It was up before I was! Bright and glorious, a gorgeous day ahead - what could be a better way for starting out my amazing new routine?

I set my alarm to get up very early. I wanted to. But last night I was up and wired until after 1am, which is incredibly late for me, and 6am just wasn't happening today. But now it's a beautiful day, and as soon as I finish with this, I am out the door and in the park for my walk, then come home, do the P90X first routine (Chest and Back!) and then feast on watermelon.

I'm nervous about the Chest and Back. Why? Because it's an entire hour of workout doing the 2 things that I, as a GIRL have the hardest time with - pullups and pushups. Seriously. But watching the video, there's this girl who is about my size, only leaner, and she's cranking them out. Pushups on her toes, and pullups without assistance. Sometimes she uses a chair to assist the pullups, which I'll be doing as well, of course, but still. If there was anything in the world that could indicate progress in my body, it would be an eventual ability to do even one unassisted pullup and even one full pushup on my toes.

The fun thing is that now I have friends doing this too! My friend Q is already starting it with her husband, and my friend H is going to join in from across the pond. This is pretty cool.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Bringin' It!

I'm so cheesy. I'm so so so so so so so damn cheesy. But I'm bringin' it anyway.

My bf has the P90X videos. He did the whole program last summer before we met, and my boy is RIPPED. But in a nice way, like someone you'd actually want to talk to, not like some guy who can only talk about his own abdomen. He took his body fat from 21% to 16%. Yeah, my man's hot.

I, on the other hand, am NOT. Not hot, although thankfully he seems to think I am. Having fallen off my diet wagon and fallen out of my yoga practice has not exactly put me where I want to be with my body, at all, and I'm ready to change that. So I've decided to try this whole P90X thing. Cheesy. But I don't care.

I'm starting it tomorrow. I'm starting at 120 pounds and 25% body fat. I'd like to get to 110 pounds and 18% body fat. I think that's doable, especially with the whole fabulous, amazing, perfect 80-10-10 diet to support me. And the mangoes are finally back in full force. With mangoes, I can do anything.

Hopefully I will be posting more regularly on my success with this program! Because I'm expecting great success. It's going to be fun. Hot, hard and sweaty, just the way I like it.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Starting Again on the 80-10-10

Again and again and again - how many times do I get to start this up? Does it matter? If it's not the falling-downs that matter, but the getting-ups, then I guess I'm doing OK.

So I am starting again. I think this is the 5th time I'm starting again since my initial first amazing jaunt on the 80-10-10 train. What I have learned:

it does not require perfect timing to change your diet.
it does not require perfect finances to change your diet.

it DOES require enough time and enough finances to be able to look at yourself and make careful decisions. And for me, it requires enough Self-Love.

That sentence just came out of nowhere and now is DEMANDING to be written about. Eating 811 is the most self-loving thing I have ever done in the whole course of my life. It took me out of a deep despair and into the best period of time I've ever had - a time when I was at ease in my body and in my bones, at ease in my spirit, happy. And I did this by essentially demanding that the rest of my life just BACK OFF for a little while. I stopped working so hard. I spent a lot of time on Raw Fu. I spent a LOT of time outside, in the hot Texas sunshine. I met a wonderful man who also liked to not work so hard, and to spend a lot of time outside. For the 100 days that I spent being essentially 100% 811, my life was damn near perfect.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have maintained that rhythm. I would have changed my job then, had I known how. Instead, I changed the rhythm. I changed my tempo. I started working harder, started giving less time to myself. For some reason, I thought that my diet would be enough to make all that possible. I shut myself down. I stopped treating myself with love and laughter, and I put myself back to work.

It was all for such a great cause. It really was. I'm proud of the work I did. I hope it stands for a long time. And I am not proud of what I did to myself as a result. I stopped eating 811, I barely ate raw. Yeah, this is my "story," this is the set of excuses I have for doing what I did. Yeah, it all comes down to "story," but there is such a big difference between being in your story and relishing it and using your story as an excuse to continue, and using your story as a learning device. What I have learned through all of this is to love myself. And loving myself, to me, means leaving a huge amount of space around me to take care of myself.

I'm not made to "work." To get up and go to a job and push-push-push. I can do it, but it kills my spirit. I am made to Work. To follow my spirit where it leads and to pray that I will be taken care of as a result. And to take care of myself first.

Which leads me back to the 80-10-10 train. Suddenly, I am free again. I have my time back to me. It's taken 10 days or so to work through the emotional upheavals of all that's been going on inside me (my boyfriend today observed "you've got a really strong inner dialog!" he-he-he. ya think so?) to get to the point where I can sit and stop and just enjoy and not need to numb out with cooked food. It's not easy, but it's getting closer.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Blog is Dead! Long Live the Blog!

It's ALIVE!!! I have resurrected it. Welcome back to the old blog. I'm very happy it's here. I'm going to clean it up a bit, make sure it's only got relevant information on it, nothing traceable, no names, nothing dirty. I exported it when I killed the old address, knowing that I didn't want to lose my journey. The inflammatory post is gone, that's gone for good, so don't go looking for that. The purpose of this blog is simple:

This is where I talk about my lifestyle. This is where I get to go all-out and just talk about what life is like as an 80-10-10 raw vegan. The other blog - a free-form spiritual rant-n-rave. I will do my best to keep them somewhat separate, although they do feed each other.

I'll be tracking my calories in and calories out, and counting those bananas - bananas are important food for me right now, as they are CHEAP! and that's what's important. enjoy!

Monday, February 23, 2009

still vulnerable

intense emotion just is so hard to override on an 80-10-10 diet. you can't get away from it. and intense things are happening. not as intense, but still...

i just want to numb out a little. i want to be present a lot, but i want to numb out a little. that makes no sense. but it's true.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

wow! long time no see!

i couldn't beleive, as i logged in this morning, that i haven't been writing on here since DECEMBER 17!!! that's horrible. but it makes sense, as this is kind of the first morning i've had totally to myself since december 17. so much has been going on - the expansion is done, at last, and that was brutal, right up until the end. grand opening is done, and that was mega-brutal, right up until the end. i've had most of this past week off, and i've just been spending my time in recovery.

i've got a lot on my mind right now to write about, so i'm not going to spend too much time on where i've been lately; it's time to look forward. so here's what today is going to be about:

why i am no longer a "raw foodist."

ok, i've just spent 6 weeks on a mega-binge, after sliding down the slope towards the binge over the course of a few months prior to. and now i'm off the binge, and i'm back on eating my wonderful and amazing 80-10-10 diet, which i ADORE and which i will always adhere to as the perfect way of eating for me. i love eating fresh, ripe, raw, whole, organic fruits and vegetables, with a minimum of nuts and seeds. YAY!!! it's the best, it really is. and i know that i function best living this way 100% - 95% of the time. i need that very slight wiggle room which is really nothing more than the breathing space required for free choice. that is all.

but given the choice between "gourmet raw" or simple vegan cooked, i gotta tell ya - i'm more drawn to the simple cooked food. neither choice is optimal, obviously (or maybe not obviously, and that's where i'm headed next!), but for me, i have to keep it simple, which is why i love 80-10-10 so much. how much simpler could it be? eat fresh fruit. eat green leaves. yummy.

but the whole "raw foodist" thing - all this gourmet raw crap that is just ingredient piled upon ingredient, flavored with spices, dehydrated, loaded down with "raw plant fats," jazzed up with "superfoods" - give me a break, will ya? i mean! it's just awful. as more people have gotten into raw foods, there's this fervent desire to make raw foods appeal to people with SAD appetites, so horrible concoctions are put together and people say "but it's RAW! so it's got to be healthy!!!" complete and utter bullshit. replacing cooked junk food with raw junk food - the only part that has changed is whether or not it's cooked. it's still JUNK. so if being "a raw foodist" implies that i'm a person who wants high-fat, high-ingredient prepared raw foods, then i want out of the movement NOW.

what i want is to eat simple, clean, healthy food. between a plate of raw lasagna and lightly steamed vegetables with brown rice, i'm going for the veggies and rice. of course, i'd rather have a fresh salad than either, but sometimes it's not available. what is easy for me to lose sight of, when i start to slide from my best habits, is that not all raw food is healthy, and not all cooked food is junk. i think all cooked food is junk, so why not eat the junk i really enjoy? ha ha. i'm letting go of that. i'm redefining how i choose to feed myself, and the primary word in my definition is: SIMPLE.

another reason why i'm opting out of the movement... lately i've been stumbling across blog posts that reference the "optimum" raw food diet as being anything over 80% raw, and including the use of superfoods and supplements, and to back up this BS, they put at the bottom that this is what is recommended by Dr. Gabriel Cousens. i've seen these posts totally trash Dr. Doug Graham, saying that eating too much fruit is dangerous and harmful and will cause all sorts of evil to befall you (i exaggerate), but elevate cousens' position as the moderate and sensible way to go. and here's where i have to totally, 100%, respectfully DISAGREE. i worked at the Tree of Life, cousens' place in arizona. it's a beautiful place, lonely, wild, desolate. i loved it there. and we were making gourmet raw food in that kitchen, in the summer, in the dehydrator! 105 and dry outside, and we were actually DRYING fresh beautiful fruits and veg. insanity. we were loading every meal with salt and spices, and creating wacky combos of ingredients. every meal was loaded with fat. those of us who worked in the kitchen would sneak into the walk in refrigerators and gorge on the fresh fruit. when cousens' was off the property, we went down into town and brought back watermelons - totally unallowed on his "low glycemic" plan - and we INHALED them. everyone was craving fruit. fruit was almost totally unallowed. everything was low glycemic, and as a result, it was very high fat. you've got to get your calories from somewhere, right? we sweetened things with agave nectar. we couldn't have fresh natural fruit, but we could have processed agave nectar? because it was lg? really? insanity. one hot hot hot morning, i was supposed to be making a heavy nut porridge for breakfast, and i said NO WAY and made instead gallons of nut mylk, green juice, lemonade and cucumber-berry juice, and the people sucked it up. why were we feeding people heavy dried foods in the summer in the high desert in arizona? insanity.

but what really got to me about being at the Tree was the supplements. it tickled the back of my mind long after i left, because i didn't want to beleive that the emporer had no clothes, but now, being away long enough, i feel ok about it. EVERYONE who came to dr cousens at the Tree was given a list of supplements as long as my arm or longer. hundreds if not thousands of dollars worth of supplements. usually prescribed to be taken over several times during the day, with a very restricted, low glycemic diet, for the course of at least 3 months. an office visit with him was outrageously expensive, and supplements were sold out of the back. everyone got them, and i never met anyone who actually ever completed their prescribed round of supplementation, nor did i ever meet anyone who actually felt markedly better on their supplements. insanity. thousands of dollars to not get better? people who had never eaten raw food would get better eating the raw food, but those of us who were already raw would get worse on the diet of gourmet atrocities we were making. all we wanted was simple food.

so i'm stunned at the logic. cousens is a doctor working directly from the western medical model. fix it from the outside. use supplements to make everything better. and don't eat the food we're designed for, because you can't handle it. take supplements and superfoods instead. whereas graham is a doctor working outside the western medical model. don't take supplements. the same thing that will make you well will keep you well. what is our natural diet? eat that, nothing else. so why is cousens, who is basically prescribing a diet composed of refined, isolated nutrients from a lab along with highly processed and tragically combined raw-ish food stuffs, considered the voice of logic and experience and the moderate middle path for the raw food movement, while graham is vilified as radical and dangerous? graham says eat raw fruits and veggies in proper combination with a maximum of 10% of calories from fat, which is right in line with most major global recommendations. a chimpanzee in the wild doesn't know if he's B-12 deficient, nor is he going to hold a certain kind of salt supplement on the crown of his head for 20 minutes a day, or worry about his sodium-potassium ratios or blood alkalinity. the chimpanzee is going to eat chimpanzee food, no matter what the "experts" think he should eat. i hope to someday be as smart as a chimp, and to adhere to the expertise of my own instinct.

in the meantime, no more "raw foodist" label for me. i eat primarily fresh, ripe, raw, organic fruits and vegetables, with a minimum of nuts and seeds for fun, and occasionally i'll have some very simple cooked vegan food if that is what is available. i follow the 80-10-10 principles of dr. doug graham. and that's all, folks.