november 17: disappointment

i was at a steak dinner party last night. i got cranky. i got pissy. i was feeling super-sorry for myself. i didn't want to sit around and watch people eat steak and drink wine. and when i met 2 of doug's friends, they asked if i was having steak, and i said, rather loudly, "hell no! that's disgusting!" to which they laughed and said, "and that's why we love it!"

so talking to doug just now, i said, "i hope i wasn't too rude or bitchy," and he brought up that incident. so now i feel rather ashamed and disappointed in myself for not being more open, and gracious.

i so don't know what to do now. it is, truly, disgusting for me to be at a party of people eating meat, and people eating meat don't understand that. doug thinks i'm judging them. i'm not. but it is disgusting. and obviously it's rude of me to express myself in this manner. and this coming week i'm going to have 2 meals, back to back, in which i'm going to be, again, the only vegan in the room.

so how do i handle this? this is going to be a major issue in my relationship if i don't get a handle on it, and that right soon. we joke about bacon all the time, but i know that doug doesn't realize how big an issue it is for me. i don't want him to feel judged. and, at the same time, i want to feel respected. i want... i don't know. i'm having a really hard time putting this all into words. but i've got to come to peace with it.

eating cooked makes it harder. it deadens my sensitivity. it makes me feel more entitled and it makes me want more flavors and to be more normal. i know that if i had been eating 100% clean all weekend, it wouldn't've bothered me that there was a dinner party. i would have eaten bananas.

so how do i love myself enough to eat clean, and love everyone else enough to not care, to really, truly, not care what they are eating?

this is so super-tough...