is that it's not as easy as it used to be. god, how easy it was to be 811 with the mangos and the watermelons!!! oh!
or is that just an excuse??? so many excuses, so many stories, all of them lies. right now, i'm enjoying the lie about the mangos and the watermelons. i'm enjoying the lie about wanting the social aspect. i'm enjoying the lie about the holidays.
the TRUTH is that my body wants nothing more to do with cooked food. EVER. i'm just going stream of consciousness here, because that's what a blog is for. i've been writing about control and this dinner party and all this bullshit, and what it comes down to is that my body fucking hates eating cooked food. it's my fucking EGO that wants to sit at a dinner party and laugh and enjoy myself without feeling like a freak. i'm not a freak. but because i judge myself harshly, i assume others will as well, and so i then turn and judge them. it's pretty fucking simple, honestly. my body absolutely adores eating 811, and i've been playing pretend that somehow i need to eat cooked food - because the bananas aren't ripe, or because i want to have dinner with my boyfriend...
my boyfriend doesn't give one happy goddamn about what i eat. he could NOT CARE LESS. he's paying attention - he admitted to that last night - he's paying attention to what i'm doing, and who knows, in 10 years, or more, or less, he might actually start to explore what i'm doing on his own, but honestly, he has NO JUDGMENT, NO CRITICISM, and ABSOLUTELY NO CONCERN about what i eat. all he cares about is that my ass looks good in a pair of jeans. or, more to the point, that my ass looks good OUT of a pair of jeans. and if eating an all-fruit diet is what's going to keep it that way, then more power to me. so i'm LYING TO MYSELF if i say i'm doing it to enjoy his company. that's ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT.
so this whole cooked food crap is coming from a place of lies. and it came from offering myself permission. first i started with permission to eat cooked food at the holidays - thanksgiving, christmas and my birthday. then i started obsessing about what i was going to have on my birthday, what i was going to have for christmas and thanksgiving. then i decided to have a cooked meal to celebrate 90 days raw. then i decided to have a cooked meal every month. then i decided to have a cooked meal to celebrate a weekend getaway. then i decided to have a cooked meal each week. then it degraded, completely, to this shitty, horrible, lost weekend of ridiculousness. little by little, it has gotten worse and worse, and it all came from smiling at it. i'm a fucking junkie. junkies crave junk, and will do anything to get it. i was on the verge of a fucking BREAKTHROUGH!!! and i scrapped it for garbage.
hell, i'm even thinking about scuttling my relationship - "it's my diet or me!" how's that for absolutely fucked up??? ridiculous. too totally ridiculous. the Saboteur.
so - what's to do now? not a fucking clue. i don't want to make anymore declarations of what i'm going to do. i'm waging war within myself, and all i want to find is grace. there is nothing in the world less attractive than a person out of integrity. and that's where i am right now. i look so ugly to myself. it's appalling. i'm having a hard time with that girl in the mirror. so, i guess the only thing to do is to stay in integrity.
i'll keep me posted.
Snowbird Lifestyle
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Fall is here. The leaves are gorgeous, but the temperature is not!!!
There is already lots of frost every morning. Hot water bottles are my
staples ever...
11 years ago
Maybe it will help if you try to let go of some of the control. Just let the fruit happen. The more I can ease up on myself the more I can hear the fruit and greens calling my name.
ReplyDeleteOh Rebecca, you are sounding so much like me. I have been trying to get raw for the last two years and quite frankly I'm so tired of thinking about food and what to eat all the time. Its energy sapping and getting pretty boring. So you know what I am trying to do now? I'm trying to loosen my grip on the control I have build around myself as far as food is concerned.
ReplyDeleteI eat mainly raw and some cooked - no grains or dairy just some potatoes with a meal if I feel like it and some fish. I know fish is so not vegan but its something that I just can't let go of at this moment in time. Maybe one day. I don't eat meat (haven't for 20 years) and I try to avoid any processed food with the exception of the occasional bar of dark vegan chocolate. We drink very occasionally as well and then its vegan wine and a glass or two at most.
I'm beginning to feel less stressed out about food and am finding that my body is naturally gravitating towards the healthy raw stuff. I'm not saying that this is in anyway what you should do but you have to lighten up on yourself a little. We have but one life and I know for me that I just don't to look back on it and think that all I did was stress about blooming food!! Good luck, I hope you find a way that makes you happy. Helen (UK)
The seasonal transition sucks. It's hard to have to find new favorites when the seasons change and our favorite fruits and veggies are no longer available. I am having my own difficulties and can understand what you're going through. The weather here is cooler and all the body craves is something warm. Trying to keep my body as warm as possible helps but it's still hard.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural for you to put up your defenses so that you can't be hurt when people seem to judge you. You're human. Learning to come from a place of love takes time and practice. Turning your life over to whatever Spirit you believe in takes the ability to trust that whatever happens is for your greatest good. I think you're having a wonderful breakthrough even though it may not seem like it. If your relationship is solid it will withstand this little bump in the road. Just let it flow as it is should.