1. salt. evil fucking rocks that get buried in our food. hate them.
everyone bitches and moans about their "sweet tooth" as if the sweet tooth was bad or wrong or evil. and in my experience - this particular experience i'm enduring now of being off the wagon and feeling lost and lonely - it's not the sweet that is my undoing. sweet is EASY. sweet is happy and wonderful. my sweet tooth is my best friend. my sweet tooth says "EAT BANANAS!!!' and makes me so happy. it's that fucking SALT TOOTH. the craving for salty/savory. that is truly our cultural problem. that's my problem.
the salt tooth interferes with the sweet tooth and demands satiation. it makes sweet seem weak and faulty and uninteresting. it's got this insatiable demand for flavors that are dirty and too complex to be healing or beneficial. god, oh my god, how i detest salty food.
and yet how i am drawn to eat it right now.
i hate it. it's just
AWFUL.
and what it all comes down to:
2. emotional turmoil. that's the 2nd biggest addictive element.
i hit an emo speedbump, and because i didn't learn emotional poise at my mother's knee, but rather i learned how to be rather frantic and histrionic and cranky and i learned also how to shut those feelings down down down with food - and alcohol and drugs. and it doesn't take a big bump at all to trigger a food response. or any addictive response. just ask the smoker how much it takes to make them hurry out for a smoke break. not much. so - the combination of my job being very overwhelming-but-exciting plus very chaotic, plus my guy not coming to see me this weekend, and then him having enough plans to keep him from calling me for our usual bedtime chat 2 nights in a row, plus bunny missing out on my "breakfast with bunny" interview this morning, plus my own anger and frustration at myself for my "failures..." all of these things together - not to mention the economy, bills, my house a mess, being lonely, having loads of work to do, all that good stuff - conspire to knock me off my wagon. from there, all it takes is the most minor of triggers - let's say the bananas aren't ripe and someone offers to take me to lunch, and BOOM. that's all it takes.
and that's where i am.
i'm just looking at it right now. just looking. and looking with SUCH GREAT LONGING at the place where i used to be. oh how i miss it. i want NOTHING more than to get back to it. NOW.
and i will. my heart is so there. big fucking sigh.
Snowbird Lifestyle
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Fall is here. The leaves are gorgeous, but the temperature is not!!!
There is already lots of frost every morning. Hot water bottles are my
staples ever...
11 years ago
ahhhh rebecca, I know exactly how you feel.
ReplyDeletejust BREATHE. Take a deep breath and close your eyes. You are alive! You can control yourself! Take time and THINK.
It can be really hard sometimes. But we have to keep looking looking at the positive! You know what I want you to do? I want you to tell me 5-10 things that you are happy about in your life right now. Comment be back with them.
It's great to rant and get things off your chest, but we don't want to focus too much on what is WRONG in our lives, you know? That would just be depressing!
yeah yeah, screw your salt tooth, but you should be PSYCHED that you can admit this and understand what is going on with your body!!!
self control.
self control.
self control.
Everytime you see that cooked food or that salty food, feel the feelings that you get after you eat it. Remember these feelings.
You know you want to be raw. You know you do. You know you want to be 80/10/10 and you know you want to be thriving! So... DO IT!
Use creative visualization every day for a good amount of time. See yourself passing up the cooked food or high fat raw food. Instead, see yourself in a world of fruit. See yourself eating fruit for breakfast lunch and dinner. Hungry? eat 10 bananas with as much celery as you care for.
You know you can do this.
I know you can do this.
Start focusing on the positive... and more positive things will come!
Good luck rebecca!