Thursday, November 20, 2008

november 20: integrity

i'm out of it. i'm so far out of my integrity... and i feel horribly sick as a result. i know the truth. i can see it. and i can feel the suffering that is caused by removing oneself from the proximity of truth.

this all started with one burrito. on september 25th. that's where it came from. i survived that burrito, which then led to more and more experimentation. in alcohol recovery, you are taught that it's the first drink that gets you drunk. in cooked food recovery, its the first meal. the first bite. the first wink and nod.

i can't soften my control. when i do, this is what happens. i must, somehow, climb back up onto my path. i feel as out of control, miserable, ashamed, and just really sick, as i have ever felt. i must get back on, and i must know and remember that this cooked food addiction is not one i can control, it is not one i can wink and nod at, it is not something i can dabble in. it is heroin, it is junk, and there is nothing i can do to control it except to stay away from it. i know this. i have known it. i thought that maybe i had mastered it, that i had somehow developed physiological mastery. i have nothing of the sort. if anything, i have less mastery now, having fewer defenses. these words, this agony, has to be my motivator for whenever, in future, i am tempted to stray. to remember how it got away from me in october and november of 2008, how it snowballed and escalated in the middle of the greatest triumph i'd ever had, how my hubris laid me low.

my name is rebecca and i am a cooked food addict. cooked food has a power over me which requires a much greater power than i am to overcome. i surrender myself. there is no choice but to start over again. again. i will succeed.

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