november 1: tolerance

that's the word of the day. tolerance. yes, eating a raw food diet makes me a happier, healthier, calmer, more joyous person with an overall positive outlook on life. but it doesn't change my total interface with the world, and there is still so much out there that tickles my nerves and makes me feel upset, frustrated, angry, and intolerant.

i'm so sick of politics i could just puke. politics has got to be the most lifeless, soul-sucking force known to mankind. it has NO life-force. when people start to talk about it, i feel ill. everyone is convinced that if the other side wins, the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. i'm so frustrated by my choices, i'm almost tempted not to vote. it's like i'm being forced to choose between burger king and mcdonalds. i don't want to choose between burger king and mcdonalds. i think they're both poisonous. i want to go sit under a mango tree and have my lunch there. will either burger king or mcdonalds give me that choice? no. so why should i have to choose between them? my candidate was ousted from the "system" a long time ago, for being too smart, too outspoken, and too on-target. i don't really want to vote for any of these other guys. before anyone gets frantic on me, i'm sure i will vote. big sigh. but honestly, i don't think it matters. the evil electoral college - in which i have no say - is making the decision anyway. i vote with my dollars. i don't eat at fast food joints.

i had a long day at work today. i adore my work, i have the best job in the world, and it's also hard work, physically. it can wear you down and burn you out, so its important to revitalize. so after my long day - teaching 2 classes and a private lesson - i went for a walk in the park around the lake. gorgeous 80 degree day, perfect calm breeze, lots of people out and about. as i'm turning around to head home, i notice these boys down on the lake in kayaks. they're goofing around, being 20-year-olds (no offense to my lovely 20-something friends. you know how your peers can be.), and i hear one of them say, "hey - go get the swan!" something made me turn around to see these 4 boys in kayaks surround this gorgeous, majestic swan, basically trapping him under a tree near the bank, and one of them raise his oar and bat it at the swan's head! he looked like he was either going to splash it, or make it flinch, or maybe even hit it. the poor bird was cornered, it's neck was arched, and it was looking around frantically. so me, i stop in my tracks and holler "HEY!!!!!! DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!!! LEAVE THAT BIRD ALONE! you little SHIT!" the kid looked up at me, a bit surprised, but he did stop. i turned around and stomped off, my bliss totally interrupted.

last night i had a dream that my guy left me. that he left the country due to the election results. that he had to, had to flee the country, and did so without any forwarding information, without saying goodbye, and he was able to take his phone number out of my phone, so his name wasn't even in there anymore. completely eradicated out of my life. i was in a panic, sobbing, trying to make it make sense. that was my dream last night. it's been 2 weeks since we've seen each other, and it will be another 2 weeks until we see each other again. we've only been dating since august 15. that's a long time to be apart. luckily, we have plans already for thanksgiving and christmas, and he's moving from dallas to austin in january - i don't think either of us has any intention of letting this relationship end; we're both old enough to know a good thing when we find it. but i've been so grumpy lately, just having so much intense crap going on - he called me about 5 minutes after the incident with the swan - and he's been working crazy overtime putting his house on the market. we've had an intense few weeks, and we didn't talk yesterday. hence my stressed out dream. i've gone 8 years without a boyfriend. one month away from him is just too close to my old life for comfort. i like having him in my life.

last week i had to take 2 teachers off the schedule. that was a painful and stressful decision, one that took many, many months of conversation between myself and wayne. these 2 teachers were both our most troublesome teachers, and the time had come to make the decision - i've got new teachers coming in from training hungry to teach, i've got fantastic experienced teachers moving to town, and i've got incredible teachers already on staff - how do i justify keeping on 2 teachers who don't show me commitment, dedication and respect? they're both good teachers, but not good enough to warrant the kind of behavior and disrespect i've been getting from them. and even though i told them both that they are off the schedule for now, that they can both get back on it later when they have more time and energy to commit to our studio, and i even offered one of them a special project that i'm working on and asked her to help me with it, all i'm getting from that one is sneering and attitude, and the other one blasted wayne out for not "firing" her himself, and put all of her problems back onto him, as though it were his fault for all of her financial troubles, his fault for all of her decisions. ugh. the decision to let them go wasn't easy, but man, the way they're both reacting makes me know it was the right choice to make! my offer to bring them back on when/if they're ready is officially rescinded. i have no need for that kind of bitterness and disrespect in my life.

and then larry posted a very interesting thread on raw fu, full of lots of thought provoking stuff. larry has been eating a fully cooked version of 80-10-10, low-fat vegan, and reporting back what he's been doing with it. fair enough. the rest of us are trying to eat raw, but whatever. i love larry. and it is very interesting to get his perspective. so one of the questions he posted is "why would eating miso make your stomach hurt? the japanese eat it to soothe your stomach? there's something wrong when you can't eat miso soup without it causing a reaction." fair enough. and only fair to point out that i also ate that miso soup with red pepper paste and peanut sauce, so it wasn't just the miso soup that made my stomach hurt, but i had had the other sauces without the miso and didn't have the same reaction. so my response to that was that - you know, we can be sensitized to anything with enough exposure. i used to be able to eat meat and cheese and bread and wine and all kinds of abominable combinations, all at the same meal, and thought my body could handle it all really well. over the years of cleaning my system out, man, it can't handle anything anymore. is it the fault of my system, or the fault of the toxins? it's like, now that my house is cleaner, i notice when something is out of place. is that a problem? or am i just tempted to keep it clean instead?

so the connecting thread through all of these thoughts is TOLERANCE. what is my tolerance level? am i just very very sensitive now and so therefore just cannot tolerate ANY bullshit anymore? have i become an incredibly sensitive bullshit-and-toxin sensor? our bodies, our minds, our psyches, can become callous and desensitized and we can create tolerances that will protect us against anything, until we allow too much, and then the tolerances overflow and we get sick - mentally, emotionally, physically sick. i feel like i have no ability to tolerate the bullshit, the cruelty, the animosity, the toxicity, and the isolation, anymore. my whole being cries out for balance - between work and play, light and dark, activity and rest, alone and together. i want to find real tolerance - not callous indifference masquerading as tolerance. how could i walk by those boys tormenting that bird? yet so many others did. the "tolerant" way is to say, "let boys be boys," or "it's not my place..." but i felt a total sense of something else. i could not tolerate those boys doing that, exhibiting cruelty against another living being, be it man, woman, child, dog, cat or bird (or any one of our planet's creatures), not even for one second. my body cannot tolerate even the slightest insult to its integrity without responding by making me feel ill.

tolerance, like compassion, is an active force. it is not passive, sitting around, allowing for evils to be perpetrated. nor does it allow itself to be used against the Self. i can't sit passively by, nor can i allow myself to be coerced into anything i don't beleive in. i will not tolerate manipulation. i will not develop tolerances that allow me not to feel. i don't ever want to get used to bad things again.

a long blog. an intense week. at least my house is kinda clean.