july 15, 2008: do i deserve this?

so it's terrifically exciting, isn't it? 2nd day to be posting. i'm intending these posts to be something like morning pages, where i can just share my immediate experience with what i'm going through and how it relates to my raw food conversion.

so this morning i overslept, remembered i had to pay my taxes, and then checked my bank account to discover that i'm overdrawn. that'll take all the light and inspiration right outta your morning! and in the past, put me into an "aw fuck it" mood, in which i would go straight for whatever cooked food i could get my hands on - always vegan, of course, and always with the justification that my worst days are better than most people's best days, as if that has any bearing on anything, and always with the comforting thought that "i deserve it."

and isn't that interesting? to comfort myself with the thought that i "deserve" something that i don't want, that i "deserve" something that IS NOT good for me, that i "deserve" something i'm really going to regret. in other words, i DESERVE to suffer, i DESERVE to be punished, and i DESERVE to be pulled out of integrity. how is that comfort? sounds more like torture.

i want, somehow, to rid myself of the concept of DESERVING. to take it down to the root of the word: SERVICE. the ORIGIN: "TO DEVOTE ONESELF TO THE SERVICE OF!!!" hmmmm. that's a damn sight more interesting a concept that "i deserve this vegan, gluten-free, dark chocolate muffin." how about instead, "i devote myself to the service of mySelf, in other words, to the service of the Divine." i don't think a chocolate muffin can do that for me!

so how about this instead? when i begin to think that i am "deserving" of anything - punishment or reward - look instead to "how will that _______ SERVE me? how will it serve my Self?" and then make the decision from there.

so - do i deserve to be punished for being overdrawn on my bank account? well, the bankers will see to it that i am, in the form of fees. trusty little bankers, you can always count on them for that! and isn't that up to them? if i want to avoid their fees, i need to pay more attention to my money and not buy fabulous pillows. eating junk (and spending money to do it!) isn't going to do anything positive to improve my financial situation or fiscal responsibility. it's such a total non-sequitor! the only thing that eating junk would do for me right now would be to make me feel bad about 2 big things in my life, not just 1.

so i'm having my tea and fruit and making my green smoothie and getting ready for my day instead! i've already made arrangements to pay my taxes via another source, because there is ALWAYS enough money - Source takes care of that.

it's going to be a good day!