july 27: so here’s what’s up with my body now.

aren’t you glad you asked? yeah...

so here’s the deal. if i’m (finally!) understanding this correctly, the initial big weight loss that some people get some of the time is water weight. correct? so! if that big water weight loss doesn’t occur, then that means that either 1) i’m so dehydrated that my body won’t lose the water, not likely, OR 2) i have no water weight to lose!!!

i’m going with door #2, chuck. which means, if i have no water weight to lose, then that means that ALL of the excess weight that i have on my frame right now. IS. FAT. plain and simple. this is not a fun revelation. it makes me want to dive nose first into a bag of garden salsa sun chips. (why? why?) it means that my body composition as a result of my yo-yoing from raw to junk to raw to junk has caused my 38-year-old body to store these transitions as FAT.

and speaking of, that’s exactly what i’m eating right now. a big, fat tablespoon of tahini. my first overt fat in 4 days. i’m hoping that will help with the chip craving. maybe the body craves chips because it wants some fat. it didn’t taste as good as before. good. because i don’t want it. i really want to skip the overt fats.

but back to the whole body-composition thing. i’m going to get pinched on the 31st, so i can start the challenge knowing where i am. but it means that my BMI has changed and slid UP the scale, not down. i want my BMI to wind up around 13 after a year of this 811 jazz. right now, at this moment, a year suddenly seems so daunting. i’ll let you know on thursday what the sad truth is. please, don’t hold your breath in the anticipation.

in the meantime, on to talk about poop. had very little. things have started to move around a bit more, with a little bit more substance and a little bit less effort, but this morning i felt the awfulness of gas tension that i get in my thighs. yes. my left thigh gets gas pains. it’s horrible, actually. i’m feeling gassy and tight and uncomfortable and i really want a good, substantial and house-cleaning poo. that would be awesome and very satisfying.

the only thing keeping me from those chips: sarah’s goingbananas blog. #1, she didn’t fall off the wagon! #2, she got sick from sundried tomatoes, y’know? thank you sarah. if you could do it, i can do it!


so i ate that tahini, and now i’m blowing my nose. good evidence.

a couple more things. i haven’t felt like running – my energy has been really down and i haven’t felt like doing my yoga either, same thing. so i’ve been going on a lot of walks. i did 45 minutes this morning before breakfast, and 45 minutes just now, exactly 12 hours later. i’m really tired and i can feel my body doing “something” and wanting not exactly to lay low, but to take it just a little easy.

so on my walk i was thinking about what i was writing about earlier in the blog about reward and punishment, and this was reminding me about something i was journaling about, back in the day when i used to actually write with a pen and paper! and that thought then was about how we use food to celebrate, and how we use food when things are gloomy – often the same food, right? – and how that’s kind of this way of saying that “this day is better than other days,” or “this moment is worse than other moments.” using food in this way pulls us out of the present moment, which is the only moment we have, of course, by comparing this moment with that one. “in this moment, i feel unhappy, so that makes this moment worse than that one.” and when you do that, reparative action is required! and then we get celebration and compensation and doing all of these crazy things with food that make no sense and don’t make us happier.

so i was thinking, as an 811RV – what’s a celebration? a different kind of sweet fruit! that’s about it! i mean – wow. let’s celebrate with something that’s actually very very good for me. and what’s a pick-me-up – wow! some sweet fruit! that’s what i actually need to feel better!

i hope i don’t seem like i’m oversimplifying things, and i’m sure that “real life” will be more complicated than this, but this does seem so clear and simple. it makes me very happy. for the first time in a long time, i feel hope.


one very quick little post-script. my teeth have been sensitive - well, for years - and i have lousy gums. that's sexy. so tonight, i had a super-sensitive spot on one tooth, and then a lot of blood! big surprise, because my teeth have actually been feeling better today. but i didn't have as many greens! hmmmmmmm. i'd love dental feedback!