july 18: what a day, what a day

not at all what i expected it to be. today was supposed to be very physically productive, a quick trip to ikea, put together my shelving, and then unpack my stuff and set up my closet. NOPE. didn't happen. and i am not a happy girl about it, neither. not at all. i've been planning this day for weeks. but wayne's truck never made it out of the shop, so i have literally spent the whole day in front of my computer. which has been great, in its own unusual way. but far, far from ideal.

a couple of things, though, that i'm very proud about for this day. i stayed 100% raw. that was easy. even with being upset, i didn't eat emotionally. AND, i actually went for a RUN!! not much of one, but it was the first one "on record," and so there's a little happy dance. ~~)(//\<<~~

i was sooooo inspired by "nycgrrl's" photos on RawFu. only 4 months of 100% and running a little, and she went from fit to BUFF. i'm so inspired by her. that's what i want for myself. i know i can do it. i won't look like her, i'll look like me, but i'm so inspired.

when i was finishing up my run, i was thinking about body image issues, how we all seem to have them, and how deeply, devastatingly cruel they are. i watched a really interesting vlog about that today, and the woman was saying that it's coming from the culture, and i don't doubt that. but i think i disagree with the part of the culture she thinks its coming from. here's what i think:

our negative body images are CORRECT. otherwise, how could ALL of us have them? from the thinnest to the most obese, we have negative body images. why? because our bodies are unhealthy. because our bodies are composed of horrible, deadly chemicals. our bodies are walking shit-stacks. i can't look at a shit-stack and say, "I love this! it's beautiful!" no, it's a shit-stack. i could be thin and lean and look great, but if i got that way through chemicals and artificial means and cruelty to animals, that's what i would see when i look at my body. when i look at my body now, when i look at it with distaste, it's not ugly to me because it's pear-shaped. it's ugly to me because i can see the junk food that lives in the fat under my skin. i can see the distortion that results from a distorted diet and a distorted lifestyle. if, as a result of this 100% raw lifestyle, i drop all the way down to 85 pounds to rid myself of all the toxins, and then while still eating RAW get healthy all the way back up to 122 and the same measurements i have now, then my body will be beautiful to me, because it will be clean and healthy and just getting to its natural state. i can see the toxins. and so can YOU! in my body and in your body. but when everyone is sick, everyone looks normal by comparison. i don't want to look sick.

so we'll just keep watching as the toxins melt away.