Friday, July 18, 2008

July 17 pm – heartbroken!!

Heartbroken! It appears that my wifi is now shutting down at 9pm? Or something? This has never happened before in the 16 months I’ve lived here, it’s the same network connection, and I live in a wifi friendly town. What’s happened? Why doesn’t the wifi universe want me to blog and commune with abandon till the wee hours? It was up! And now its down. And I’m heartbroken.

So this is a pseudo-blog. I’m writing in word, and will paste-and-post whenever the wifi gods see fit. Don’t they know how important email and internet are? Is mercury gone retrograde? I cannot live like this. It’s just not right.

Big sigh. I’ll get over it.

So today was interesting. Lots of support coming from good places, and lots of body image conversations going on. I look at my pictures and I’m just appalled, but that’s the me that other people see every day. Are they just appalled too, or is that just who I am to them? Am I as unattractive to other people as I clearly am to myself? Is this why I can’t seem to find a boyfriend? Or is it because I’m this unattractive PLUS this hard-core raw food hot yoga weirdo person? Or is that just my opinion? It’s all a crazy mystery.

All I know is that I want to be thin thin thin and beautiful. I want to look totally hot. I want to fall in love with myself when I look in the mirror (and I work in front of a mirror – that hasn’t been enough incentive yet!). I’m so shallow, and yet I really want this. But what I really want is to be able to see it when it happens. I’ve never been in love with my reflection – when I get to the point where my body is as I want it to be, I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to look back and say, “wow, I was perfect. I was bloody perfect, and I thought I was fat. I thought I was ugly. I was perfect.” I don’t want that to happen.

I honestly believe that I won’t truly be BEAUTIFUL until I’m old – at least 75. I’ve got a client, Ellen, who is in her 70’s, I don’t know for sure, and she’s just the most gorgeous creature. She is radiant and glowing and still doing yoga and trim and fit and vibrant. She inspires me to no end. I don’t think I’ll be actually beautiful until I’m at the place where she is – I think once we get beyond needing to be “pretty,” then Spirit starts to shine through and we become beautiful. But damn I want to be buff and lean and hot on the way there!!!

I’m putting all my trust and faith into Raw Food right now. Today I did my yoga, and I actually went for a nice, long, hot walk. I’m learning to love Austin in july. It’s so sizzley.

And as a side note – I don’t know if it was me writing and thinking about wanting to be thin and stressing myself out that I’m not, or if it was an actual hunger, but I just went to the kitchen and got myself a very tiny taste of a little Artisana Coconut Butter (not just the fat, but coconut butter like peanut butter, all ground up coconut nut), but what I really wanted was a very tiny taste of Artisana Tahini. Yum oh yum, how I love tahini. I love sesame mylk. I love tahini dressing. I love hummus!!! Me and sesame, we got a thing going on… my program as I’ve designed it is basically a minimal nuts and seed plan, trying to keep my seed consumption down to the seeds that are in the fruit. But I’m finding that so far, at the end of the day, I want some fat. I’ve had an avocado each night for the past 3, and was feeling all proud and nervous that I wasn’t going to have any fat this evening, but here I am enjoying my teaspoon of tahini. When tahini tastes sweet to me, plain, that’s when I know I need it. And this is sweet like honey. When I don’t need it, it’s bitter and needs flavoring. I really want to be flexible and open to all possibilities and amend my plan and program as my body requires it, but I also don’t want to fall into my nut-and-seed trap, because they are mildly acidifying and slow down detox, interfere with elimination, and it’s just easy to go nuts with nuts. But if I feel like I need a specific seed or nut, then I will let myself have a little.

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